Negative rant alert! I’m feeling terrible today so I’m going to just ramble on here and hope it makes me feel better.
I woke up today and did not want to get out of bed. I’m quite reluctant some mornings but not like I was today. I was out of bed and dressed at 11:45. I needed to do some Christmas shopping, I’d made a list and walking to the shops I was in high spirits. Walking through the park with the snow still around – it was lovely.
But then something switched in me. I didn’t notice it at first, it must’ve been sudden. I went from being cheery to walking away from my mum, step-dad and baby sister (who we happened to bump into) in tears. Uncontrollable tears. In Asda. I was walking up and down the Asda aisles in tears. Oh the joy of Christmas shopping!
Of course, it wasn’t about shopping but nothing had necessarily happened to get me so upset. Basically, I was stressed about spending money.
My money is evaporating. I need to save my money as I’ve got no income. But buying presents for my family is one of the best parts of Christmas and I’m that stressed about cost, I’m hardly enjoying it.
So, down about money, down about buying presents. Normal feelings around Christmas right? And it’s only short term because I’ll be back working in 3 weeks time.
However this leads to…
PANIC! I’m not ready to go back to work yet. I know I can’t handle any amount of stress at the minute – look at the way I’m currently reacting over a shopping trip. What if I’m never able to manage stress? How can I work? Will I even go back to work again?
I calm myself and continue my shop, following my list. The last items I bought were 3 selection boxes. One for each of my siblings. Not my sisters, but the three that I met for the first time 2 weeks ago and who I found out about 3 months back when I met my dad for the first time. (I know this whole ‘omg I found my dad’ thing is getting old but the impact its had on me and the amount its taken over my life is ridiculous)
So yeah, 3 selection boxes, that’s nice and I picked up a Christmas card for him and his family, “To all of your family at Christmas”. This then led to:
How much does that single me out as the outsider? Sending my own family… a family card… from me. The forgotten child – the one he didn’t want.
I’m struggling at the minute too because this situation with my dad and his kids is reminding me of my three beautiful sisters ages 6, 4 and 2 who live with my mum and step-dad. I moved out when the oldest was 3 to have my own space for uni and things and since then, the other two have come along. I have a great relationship with all 3 of them and I absolutely adore them. The sad thing about this whole ‘dad situation’ and feeling like the outsider of the family, is that I can relate to that with them too. My 3 sisters have the perfect little family life, they live all together, spending every morning and night together at home with my mum and step-dad. And then I visit. I’m constantly missing out on things and the only person I can blame is myself. I’m choosing not to be round there more and the guilt of that is starting to consume me.
It’s stupid to get upset about it really because if my mum knew I felt like this, she’d kidnap me and move me back into their house with them tonight. But that isn’t where I want to be – it’d be cramped, too noisy and hectic with the three of them all the time and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. God knows how people have their own kids at my age!
So that’s my dilemma.
Went to the shops for Christmas chocolate for my family and ended up getting home and sobbing about money stresses and being unemployed for life. Oh and also regretting getting in contact with my dad and his family because its now causing me so much pain and it’s creating more stress for me and making me overthink my own family dynamic.
Oh, how I love the festive season.
I promise to write a positive blog next.